I WANT MY LIFE BACK

Those are the words I said in May.  Somewhere along the line of waking up at 5am to do devotions with the kids, paying bills/payroll and cranking out financial reports at hours when noone else is around so I can concentrate, looking for a good cup of coffee to couple my personal Bible reading and returning to my quiet time 1.5 hours later because so and so needs this and so and so need that (by then my coffee is cold), trying to cover sick days/vacations and schedule every movement that needs to happen for some 30+ lives just plain old wiped me out.  I ungracefully muscled through every aspect of running a children's home and it left me drained and plain old unhappy.  It wasn't until Rachel came back and we divided up responsibilities again that I realized how much of myself was gone and what I did everyday became who I was.  I knew when I came here that I wanted to have healthy boundaries and stand firm on those if I was going to make it here for a year.  But all of sudden things changed:  Rachel took a sabatical, our finances dipped, issues that we wanted to improve so much were met with resistance from some staff members and then it just seemed like I had to dig in more and more to keep going.  I'm not sure about you but I can often get one-dimensional and focus on one thing until I do it perfect, and therefore become pretty unbalanced in the rest of life.  So I became what I did and what I did became who I am.  Well, that's where I am but the good thing is that I put  plans in action and that's how I am here to live to tell the story :)

I started reading a book that helped me understand what just happened to me.  It asked me to identify my critical life areas and I wrote: faith, family, exercise, physical health, eating healthy, social life, home life, finances, attitude, ministry and mission support.  I graded how I was doing in those areas and gave myself one B and the rest C's and D's.  Yikes!  Coming from a teacher, that's pretty sad!  So what happened?  How did I get a below average report card on life?  This book also asked me to look at things that drained me and I wrote:  needy people, issues that never get fixed, people who don't grow/learn, overwhelming amount of work, and incompetent people.  Wow.  I was alive but consumed by all the things that drain me and had no escape from them because I lived it everyday.  First plan of action, come to terms that it's ok to be drained by these things even if noone else is.  Two, remember the things about my life that I love:  girlfriends, reading the Bible, exercise, listening to music, leading and making an impact, home-making, the beach, and heart to hearts about what God is doing in my life.  Once I remembered these things I moved out into my own home so that I could gain those fillers back and do life at my own pace.  Fourth plan of action, take time off to recuperate and deal with what the imbalances caused:  insecurity, lack of relationships, bad eating, no exercise and a desire to be left alone.  Yup.  That's me.  Can you believe it? 

So here I sit on a patio overlooking the Pacific.  I came across a place that has maybe 3 couples staying here and me.  It's such a charming, tranquil atmosphere with lots of hammocks, palm trees and great service.  I am so impressed.  I'm also impressed by the price.  I got to stay in a suite overlooking the ocean for only $43!!  It's definitely not busy season here.  My goal was to get alone with God, to restore and let him rebuild my heart and mind.  For the last 10 years I've lived knowing I was cut out for teaching and leading small groups and doing mission trips with my spare time.  Asking me to do something that I have no experience doing left me looking for affirmation from all the wrong people and causing a huge hole of insecurity in the process.  Has anyone ever had this experience?  We all look for security in the wrong places:  skinny bodies, lots of money, popularity, knowledge and the list goes on.

But there really is no security in anything outside of Christ.  Jesus has unfailing love for us, all of us, and it IS enough.  For the proverbs 31 woman "she is clothed in strength and dignity" and that is the identity that Christ offers me.  I must take that on, give thanks and remember it day after day in order to fight all of the other distractions that try to break a person down.  Wanting my life back is not about self-centeredness or even personal interests.  It's about stewarding well that which God has entrusted to me.  I look forward to taking more and more time away for myself to restore and hear God's voice.  May it be louder than all the rest!