CONTROL

How does one gain control and lose control at the same time?  Rachel, the founder of Love and Hope Children's Home, is taking a sabbatical.  I am now in control of the operations, decisions, etc. of the home during the process of hiring and training new staff.  With the nature of the work, many days I feel pulled in many directions and doing things that I am not quite sure about which makes me feel out of control.  For someone like me who has always been able to control the classroom, my own home, my own surroundings, this is a new challenge for me.  The other day someone said to me, "Lighten up Kelly, all of these things won't matter in 100 years".  I laughed it off on the outside but I gasped on the inside!  Is that how I am acting?  Out of control?  So how does one gain it, let go of it and not really "lose it" (like go crazy) at the same time?

I have a tendency to want to hold on to it and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to.  But do I really even have control in the first place?  If I look deeper into it, my control issues come from a place of wanting to achieve (yes, I am an oldest child!).  But my service here really isn't about achievement or success, it's about Love and Hope.  The more control I find myself gaining as far as responsibilities, the more I realize I have to let go of.  I am here to serve a God that is sovereign, in control of everything.  The moments of frustration are a lack of control or lack of vision to see that God is still in control.  It's an ugly view from here, to see myself and the way I don't want to be and I've prayed that I can gracefully let go.  This is what I read this morning, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


I was thinking that maybe this was a little too personal, but if Paul can boast and delight in his weakness, than I can admit mine.  Please pray for me, for Rachel, for all the children, missionaries and caregivers that make up this ministry.  We have come so far in the past few months, turning corners with so much progress, but are still met with seasons of change.  Pray for the endurance to wait it out, trust in our hearts, not try to control all the issues but Hope in the one who is really in control and Love boldly throughout the process.

COMPANIONSHIP

Well it's been awhile since I've last written.  I can't believe how time flies.  I'm sitting poolside, enjoying my weekly day off, and trying not to get burnt....in October!!!  October is my favorite month.  I will miss it as I have always known October - changing leaves, hayrides, apple cider, candycorn, jeans and sweatshirts, and of course, college football.  But I have to say that sitting poolside isn't a bad alternative!  I especially enjoy this day because it's been awhile since we've seen the sun.  The past week and a half has been so dismal due to the rains.  The tropical storms don't seem to affect us much other than consistent rain but after so long, it was so hard even to get up in the morning to the sound of constant rain.  I will confess that I didn't shower for days because I couldn't imagine taking a cold shower when there was no end to the rain in sight.  Now, ahhh!!!  the light at the end of the tunnel.  Soon, the rainy season will end and everything will dry up.  The wonderful colors of the trees and fruits will go away and we will not see rain for many months.  This will be new for me because I've never been in Central America during the dry season. 

This past month I have been spending all of my time doing the administrative work for the children's home.  I write about that a lot because it is what most consumes my time and challenges me.  But it is only work, work that others more qualified could do much better than me, and at the end of the day I wonder when it will all calm down and get more routine like.  I like how I get to spend my days though.  There are many adventures in driving through the city, trying to conquer parts of the language I haven't managed to yet, and seeing progress happen through hard fought efforts.  I also get to spend my days with MANY people.  This is completely different to my lifestyle back in Ohio.  One of my favorite people here is Mandy (picture above of us poolside right now).  Mandy is a 24 year old missionary who traveled here with me back in June.  She is a spunky little thing who works all day long trying to make every child feel special.  She is a jack of all trades, from decorating rooms and cakes to solving all the computer gliches, Mandy is certainly a gem to this home.  I love Mandy because we can talk about anything and laugh about everything.  She's my "go to" girl and definitely a life long companion now that we've walked in these shoes.  Of course, Rachel, the director of this home, is who I spend the rest of my time with.  Rachel and I are complete opposites.  I'm structured and organized, she goes with the flow so beautifully.  We are definitely one heck of a combo platter and I love working with her.  We appreciate our differences and I love the parts of her that I am not but wish I could be.  What a great learning experience.

There is no loss for companionship here at Love and Hope.  I share a room with 5 girls and a dog (God have mercy on the 2lb dog with a fractured leg and conehead!  anyone looking to adopt?).  In the house there are 26 kids, about 10 employees a day and other missionaries who come and go.  Many times as I would sit alone in my condo back in Ohio, I would crave companionship.  Now I can't avoid it even if I wanted to.  I have known very clearly from the start that my mission was to come here and be a companion to the girl who has given her entire life to serving the kids at this children's home during a difficult year of her life.  I am learning more about how to be that type of companion to her by loving her through friendship and by the work I am doing day in and day out for the children's home.  There is no doubt that when the going gets tough it is natural to want to turn inward and look to blame one another for their faults, flaws and iniquities.  But that would be giving in.  I have fought those urges, those temptations and maybe even the truths about one another in order to say that I am committed to being a loyal companion, someone who will not turn on another person, especially when many others in the past have.  I love this mission.  I love knowing at the end of the day: I loved, I encouraged, I spoke honestly, and I gave everything.  That's not to say that I haven't struggled at it.  But I love the victories and there are more of those then failures.