How will I wait?

Waiting is hard and disappointing.  Waiting seems unfair.  Waiting makes me anxious.  Waiting tempts me to take things into my own hands.  And waiting has made me angry and confused at God, I admit.  

I love all that October brings, it is my most favorite time of the year, but this year it brought news that ruined my hopes of having Antonio home for the holidays.  I spiraled downward and fumbled through some hard thoughts, "Why do I pray?"  "Why would God make us wait even longer?" "Why is putting the lonely in families so hard?" "Why must God allow my heart to hurt so much?".  I felt challenged to believe in His goodness.  I felt bitter, angry, and not sure what to do with my emotions or how to pray anymore.  

So here is the challenge:  HOW does one wait, especially after disappointment?  Friends and family have encouraged me to get my house and his room ready, which has helped tremendously and has cheered me up.  Remembering the call (from Isaiah 58:10 "to satisfy the needs of the oppressed") that inspired me to put adoption into action has allowed me believe that He will see it to the end and to trust Him beyond understanding while I wait.  And finally, a chapter titled "Waiting Well" (Carried Home Safely) redirected my questions about prayer into solid answers.  One Biblical parable is that of maids waiting for a bridegroom.  Some waited poorly - running out of oil for their lamps and missing out on the opportunity when it came, and others waited well - having extra oil so that they would not miss out.  Alarmed of the dangers of waiting poorly, "keeping watch, not knowing the day or hour..." and to worship the Lord and practice faith (believing what I do not see) while I wait is a more appealing mindset.  Changing my mindset is a lot easier when reminded of the consequences of those who failed.  Lord, I want to do it right and wait well.  Thank you for showing me how!

Struggling with not knowing the day or the hour prompted me to visit Antonio over Thanksgiving.  It was a surprise 9 day trip purposing to make more deposits into our relationship and fulfilling a promise that I would again visit in December.  My spirit was renewed.  His laughter and sheer nature of playfulness seems to ease my soul.  The uncertainty and longevity behind waiting is painful and disappointing but as I have been challenged, I can wait well or wait poorly.  I must keep watch - preparing for the moment that could come at any time and keeping my light bright at all times.

  

Are You My Mother?

A childhood favorite, one that still shows its face around our house once in a while (even though it has been 30+ years of its purchase) is the precious storybook my mom and I decided would be the best to share with Tonio and help to teach him to read this summer.  Every night for the past 5 weeks I have been able to read "Are You My Mother?" at bedtime and then fall off to sleep.  Its connections to all that's happening in his life and mine collide in this one rendition of a baby bird looking for his mother.

The mother bird knows her baby is soon to come and she flies off to get food for him.  The egg hatches before the mother returns and the baby bird walks off to find his mother.  He searches all over asking other animals if they are his mother and finally ends up back in his nest in time for the mother to return with food for her baby.  The repeated question, "Are You My Mother?" and final exclamation of the story, "You are my mother!" have now been memorized by Tonio and it gives me such a smile and butterfly in my stomach when I hear him say it as I anticipate the upcoming day when I get to share the reality of his questions. Its not just a storybook, it's Tonio's story...and the end is soon to come when he can say, "You are my mother!"

During this time with Tonio my days are filled with getting him on and off the bus, eating meals together, doing homework and extra English lessons, exploring his interests in music/tools/foods, learning more about his therapy needs and nurturing a spiritual relationship with God.  I have a vision of what's to come and all I can say is that it energizes me and gives me a sense of purpose as I spend myself satisfying his needs.  We are all called to this and I find such joy in having it realized through adoption and becoming a mother.  

Isaiah 58:10:
 "and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry 
   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 
then your light will rise in the darkness, 
   and your night will become like the noonday" 

Tears into Dancing

Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.

”You turned my wailing into dancing"

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.    

Lord my God, I will praise you forever.  Psalm 30:10-12

There has been a sad pit developing inside of me because as I get closer to traveling to El Salvador for the summer - I fear the moment when I have to say goodbye again in August to the precious little boy that I am adopting.  I know I haven't even arrived yet, but I had hopes that the adoption would be complete by then, and our God is a God of the impossible - so I still have hopes, but at the same time the odds are against it.

My heart is sad not for me, but for him.  Tone has experienced more loss than a child should have to.  He's had to say goodbye to his family, goodbye to the first institution and goodbye to several caregivers that meant a lot to him at Love and Hope.  He said goodbye to me two times already and I anticipate one more time again in August.  He experiences loss through sadness and quietness.  He doesn't express himself verbally but he does take it hard and his tears are so hard to endure.  He's a sensitive little guy but also quite resilient.  He has much to be joyful about as well, and joy is what he expresses more of usually.  That's his charm!  And one day we will rejoice together knowing that we won't ever have to say goodbye.  

I break down and cry every time I think about how much I don't want to disappoint him by leaving before I can take him home for good.  It brings me to desperately cry out to God for a miracle.  I would love to see him come home with me in August or that I would have a court date by then and could finally share the news that he will for sure have a forever family with me and that the wait time won't be long.  I pray for that everyday.   

So much of this journey is giving over control and trusting God to make it all work out.  I trust God.  I trust that He is doing way more than I can see right now.  I know that His hand is in this and that He will provide for every need that Tone has.  Only He can heal Tone's heart and the hurt left by imperfect people and unjust circumstances.  But I still pray that God's will is for him to come home in August and that in whatever fashion, it would bring so much GLORY to His name and many would come to praise Him because of the GOOD GOD that HE IS.  

Please pray, above all, that God's will be done - not mine.  Please pray for Tone's heart and that He would know how much God loves him and is his Father no matter where He lives or whatever circumstance he is in.  Please pray for me and that I would be strong and faithful to the Lord as I trust His mercy and grace to be enough for all that is left to endure.  Please pray that we would be a forever family - that our tears would turn into dancing sooner than later -  AND that this story would lead those who don't believe in a LOVING GOD to have the scales removed from their eyes and start.  In Jesus name!  

...JUNE!

January, February, March, April, May...JUNE!  The blessings of being a teacher is that I can travel during the summer months.  And next month I'm off...again!  

That sad January day I left El Salvador this past Christmas break, I told everyone I would be back in June and Tone and I have been counting down 6 months until we get to see each other again.  He's really good at half of the months in English by now.  We're one month away from another visit, this time for two months, and he has already asked permission to ride to the airport to pick me up.  I can't wait for this sweet reunion!  It's been a long year waiting for all the paperwork that goes into the adoption process.

A recap:  I spent June - December getting approval from the US government to be considered an international adoptive parent.  Then in January I delivered all of my paperwork to my lawyer and he said I could be optimistic about August.  I haven't heard a thing yet.  UGH!!!!  I can't explain what is happening that makes the process go so long.  All I know is that we live in a country that has systems set up for processes to happen according to a timeline.  It's not the same way in other countries and we are all at the mercy of the employees and work load at the governments agencies.  I know I will not return in August with my little boy but maybe Christmas is a more realistic hope.

The amount of time apart from him has started to pay a toll on me.  The lack of any progress in the process has also weighed me down a bit.  In addition to that, last week I realized that I would have to take time off for the adoption (now that it's clearly not happening in August) without access to my 100+ accumulated sick day leave.  It just doesn't seem fair and keeping my hopes up was becoming harder.

Just when I needed a bit of good news, I received a letter today from a grant that I had applied for in February.  It said that I was awarded $6,500 toward the adoption!!!!!!!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!!!!  The pushes me over my goal of raising $20,000!!!!!!!!.  I just can't believe it!!!!!!!  This news is so incredible and it came when I needed to hear it the most.  God is so faithful.  He knows every need and provides.  Always.

There are several huge mountains to climb before all of this comes to fruition.  I thank you all for being interested, encouraging and supportive.

As I finish off the school year, I am reminded that my 1 year anniversary for returning to the USA is in a few weeks.  I've already purchased a ticket to return.  It just so happens that the woman I hired to do my job in El Salvador is having surgery two days before I get there so guess what...I get my job back!  ha ha!

Timing

Waiting...I've never been really good at it.  I can drive myself crazy in the meantime.  It's really not my fault, though, the "hurry-up, right now!" gene dominates on the maternal side.  I see it in my grandma - she'll do anything at 80+ years just to get it done...yesterday.  I see it in my mother - she'll have the saw and hand tools out with eye goggles on just because my dad took "too long" to get to it.  Oh yes, it's in my nature.  I know I am in good company with others out there too!   God's timing is perfect and I rest, not all the time, but challenged to rest, knowing that He is working out details that I can't see right now, working out everything for good so that He will be glorified. 

 

 

There are moments when I think I can't stand it any longer though, like when Rachel brought back a painting Tonio made. It's me on a plane smiling because I was going back to my family and him on the ground wearing a red OHIO t-shirt, his round glasses and a frown.  The sun is even frowing.  My heart aches.  Then joy sets in when I see snipits of the future and how God is preparing Tonio's heart when he says, "Mami Kellyta" and "sabes que te amo?" (little mommy Kelly / Do you know that I love you?).  My heart settles into contentment and confirms that this is something He planned even before the two of us were born, a divine match!    

I remember when I was deciding to stay on mission for a second year or not.  I actually said these words, "God, I am scared to go back home and return to my life as I know it.  I want something amazing to take place.  Something that will change my life forever because of this experience.  Let me build on this and not fall back into a comfort zone."  God didn't disappoint.  Well...not that he answers to me, of course, but because He aligns our heart with His will when we allow it.  And a month later we received a call at the home to go and meet Tonio. 

The waiting period makes me anxious.  Remembering how He answers my cry cancels it and renews my faith. 

Many people have asked "Where are you at in the adoption process?"  Now that my file is in the hands of the Salvadoran Office of Adoptions, here is my hopeful timeline:

Step 1:  Be approved as an adoptive parent through OPA (Office of Adoptions) by MARCH
Step 2:  Be approved at the big meeting with all offices representing adoption by APRIL
Step 3:  Be officially assigned to Antonio and received a "Referral" by MAY
Step 4:  Be assigned a court date for JUNE or JULY
Step 5:  Travel and return by AUGUST

Ever since I started this process I have envisioned that Antonio would be here by August 5th, 2013...his 9th birthday.  When my lawyer in El Salvador suggested a timeline of June, July and August - my heart leaped!  Really?  That's my summer break!  And that's what I was thinking anyway!!  haha.  And it would be perfect timing for school transitioning!  On the other hand, I fully trust God's timing and his perfect plan for what He is authoring, and I won't be surprised if it takes "un poquito" longer. 

There is a new thermometer on the right of this blog to celebrate the timely receipt of provision through this process step by step.  The next & last phase is due at the referral step.  I have applied for 3 grants that offer gifts enough to support the balance of need.  Can't wait to watch how God works it all out.  He awes me.   

I received some encouraging news about Tonio yesterday.  There have been some really great people working with him and his ability to walk.  Check out this video!  

Known

My heart melted when I walked into the dining area and all their little sleeping bodies were curled up on mattresses early Christmas morning.  I snuggled up next to Tonio, Raul and Chamba.  Daniel woke up crying in his sleep a little later so I pulled him close to join the Twister game of gentle souls waiting to celebrate the biggest birthday of the year.  When Tonio woke up, he whispered, "Santa came!" and we smiled and hugged as months of anticipation finally came to rest.  One by one, the others started to wake up and lots of excited hugs and kisses were exchanged and I quickly realized there is a place within me that has been touched and forever changed because I "know" and have been "known" by them.

One special greeting came from a little gal who returned to the home after having been gone for several years.  I heard this voice, "Hi Kelly Moore."  I turned to look over the sea of blankets and it took me a few seconds to figure out whose little mouth it came from.  It was Lissette.  I hadn't seen her in 3+ years!  How did she remember me and my last name?  Wow.  She knew me and I knew her.

Christmas Day was quite a celebration, the kids packed onto the bus with gifts they wrapped up from their own belongings to distribute to other kids throughout the neighborhood.  It's a great tradition to get our hearts in the right place before opening up gifts waiting at the home.  It was my first Christmas under palm trees and sunshine and I had to chuckle when there was a stocking hanging on the terrace for me but the chocolate inside had melted from being in the sun!  haha. 

Watching Tonio open his gifts sent from awaiting grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins made the day seem just perfect.  Nearing the evening, Tonio kept asking if we were going to do the list of things that he we had been planning.  I told him to be patient because we didn't have to do everything in one day.  Just then I realized that when I told him I was coming for Christmas, he had been thinking that I would visit just that day - and that I would leave by night.  Awwhhh.  What a relief that we would share 10 more just like this one!

Every minute was a blessing.  Every day was well spent.  I felt joy as I put on a "mom" hat (instead of the director hat I had worn for 2 years) and eased into the role of just going with the flow and helping to meet the everyday needs as they came.  I also focused on developing a deeper relationship with Tonio.  We were able to get to "know" each other in a new way.  For once, I didn't have to split my time between responsibilities.  He was all mine and I was all his! 

Of course that made leaving heart-breaking. I didn't think I could take it, not so much for me - because I know what is to come - but for him because his little heart and head doesn't quite comprehend all that is happening, only sadness of me leaving...again. Saying goodbye for now is only temporary. But there will be a day when I get to tell him what God has planned for us and I can't imagine the joy we will feel when forever happens. My cup runneth over.