When I returned to El Salvador in January from a 3 week Christmas break, I was descending the big mountain we live on in our Hyundai Santa Fe, singing to my Ipod connected to the cassette deck and soaking in the sunshine. I was on my way to have coffee with my dear friend Britney and I remember that day well because I started thinking of how easy this life has become here in another country. It was almost as if I wasn't living in another country. The things I was doing I would be doing back in Ohio as well. I was starting to feel...comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I still sleep in a bunk bed, pull my clothes out of 5 plastic drawers and share a bathroom with 5 other girls. It's definitely not as easy as back home, but I'm not complaining. :)
I also started to realize just how hard it would be having all of these experiences and then one day going right back to life as I knew it one year ago. What would that be like? For so many months I held on to that security thinking, "I get to go right back to where I came from in case I start to get homesick or whatever". Now, I was thinking that if I did go right back there then I would not know what to do with all that I've learned and how I've grown.
I started this mission with a heart to honor God, trusting Him to use me in a way that would meet a need, and that need was to build into a girl who was going through the roughest year of her life. I wanted to love her and stand by her through thick and thin. I knew that I could, I had this overwhelming feeling inside of my heart and I just knew that I could be there for her. Well, we went through thick and thin and developed a beautiful friendship along the way. There is nothing more that I am happier to admit. Mission accomplished.
One particular week in early March the same topic kept coming up, "Have you thought about what you're going to do when your year is up?" I couldn't avoid it. It was the topic over coffee, with my pastor and his wife, in emails and over phone calls. I didn't want to think about the other side. I was going to go back to my life. But did God have something else? What I believe was God showing me signs of something else allowed me to open my mind to a whole new perspective. It started at an Advisory Board meeting when I was trying to make a case for an Executive Director candidate and my pastor/Advisory Board leader, asked me some tough questions. He said, "Can he do this...., this.... and this....?" I honestly answered, "No, no, yes, maybe?". He said, "Why don't YOU take this position?" I said, "Because I can't do any of those things either!!!". The majority of the group encouraged me to think it over. I know I'm not a business person, far from an accountant, light years away from being graceful in this position and completely embarrassed by how my Spanish fails me at times. But there is nothing else in my life that has shown me just how flawed I really am and how much I need His sufficient grace. Back home, I walk in my own power. Here, I question everything and cry out for wisdom every morning before I start to climb the flights of steps that lead to 30+ people waiting for direction that day.
This time last year I wrestled with God about making such a risky decision but I couldn't deny the doors He continued to open and a wise friend said to me, "If they open, you've got to walk through them". I remembered how I came to make that decision last year and thought if my employers would give me another year of unpaid leave then I can stay on for another year with that same security of knowing I can come home to teach. Surely they wouldn't though. It's was a huge blessing they did it in the first place and to do it again for a second time? No way. But what does it hurt to ask? and the response? It was the most incredible message. THEY SAID YES.
And the encouragement kept coming. The girl that had the roughest year of her life? She dreamt that I told her that I was staying for another year and she felt more confident to face another year. I know that in my own strength I am nothing and only He can do big things like that. I am even more humbled to serve a holy God who doesn't need me but delights in me because I want the chance to honor Him. Most days I feel unworthy to be filling the role of an Executive Director of a children's home in a foreign country but if God can take an insecure, intense, incredibly hard on herself, control freak with an A+ personality and use her for some good - then I'll take it.
So I've committed to serving here until July of 2012. I'm working out the details back home to manage another year salary free. My family will be sad and disappointed. This weighs heavy on my heart. It actually makes me want to change my decision at times. I covet your prayers over these matters: that God would bring peace and joy to my family, that He would cover the financial needs, and that those who feel led to help would know the love of Jesus more because they gave from their heart.
At the end of my life I will have to answer to one person and I want His response to be "well done good and faithful servant". I aim to hear those words. It brings purpose to doing hard things.
I'm coming home June 27th to spend time with my family, celebrate my mom's birthday, meet for the first time my two little twin nieces and enjoy a real American cookout! I plan to stay most of July and enjoy every minute of being in the USA. I'd love to see you...especially if you made it to the end of this very long blog entry! God bless you...
