I love all that October brings, it is my most favorite time of the year, but this year it brought news that ruined my hopes of having Antonio home for the holidays. I spiraled downward and fumbled through some hard thoughts, "Why do I pray?" "Why would God make us wait even longer?" "Why is putting the lonely in families so hard?" "Why must God allow my heart to hurt so much?". I felt challenged to believe in His goodness. I felt bitter, angry, and not sure what to do with my emotions or how to pray anymore.
So here is the challenge: HOW does one wait, especially after disappointment? Friends and family have encouraged me to get my house and his room ready, which has helped tremendously and has cheered me up. Remembering the call (from Isaiah 58:10 "to satisfy the needs of the oppressed") that inspired me to put adoption into action has allowed me believe that He will see it to the end and to trust Him beyond understanding while I wait. And finally, a chapter titled "Waiting Well" (Carried Home Safely) redirected my questions about prayer into solid answers. One Biblical parable is that of maids waiting for a bridegroom. Some waited poorly - running out of oil for their lamps and missing out on the opportunity when it came, and others waited well - having extra oil so that they would not miss out. Alarmed of the dangers of waiting poorly, "keeping watch, not knowing the day or hour..." and to worship the Lord and practice faith (believing what I do not see) while I wait is a more appealing mindset. Changing my mindset is a lot easier when reminded of the consequences of those who failed. Lord, I want to do it right and wait well. Thank you for showing me how!
Struggling with not knowing the day or the hour prompted me to visit Antonio over Thanksgiving. It was a surprise 9 day trip purposing to make more deposits into our relationship and fulfilling a promise that I would again visit in December. My spirit was renewed. His laughter and sheer nature of playfulness seems to ease my soul. The uncertainty and longevity behind waiting is painful and disappointing but as I have been challenged, I can wait well or wait poorly. I must keep watch - preparing for the moment that could come at any time and keeping my light bright at all times.
