This is when it gets good

“This is when it gets good” was the response Rachel gave me when I sat her down and told her that there was only $890 left in donations back home for the next month. I thought she’d break down, cry, get worried and wonder how we are going to eat and pay our staff on November 15th. Instead she thanked me for being here and called me a true missionary. “This is when it gets good” is what she left me with so I’m challenged to sit back and watch what happens and how God will work out His will for His children and His home.


Throughout this past year, there have been more challenges that anyone can think humanly possible to this ministry. In February a new non-profit organization was organized to help channel funds from the States to El Salvador. The group of church members gave much input as to how to improve the operations at the home. Many volunteers here worked hard to get these pieces in place. I know that I forced myself to learn more about water systems, retirement pensions, auto mechanics and insurance policies than I ever wanted to. I also learned that no matter how hard you try to please someone and communicate truth, it sometimes falls on deaf ears and simply can’t be done. This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I always want the truth to be told, for people to agree and for hard work to be valued. In the end, no matter how hard we tried, it just wasn’t enough. And with the dissolution of the NPO, so comes the challenges of funds.

My reaction to all of this is to fight. I don’t know where to begin. Do I go for a walk and cry out to God for mercy? Do I call everyone I know back home and ask them to send money? Do I reach out to grocery stores here in town and ask for beans and rice in quantity? “This is when it gets good” requires me to put down the boxing gloves and become a spectator. It goes totally against my nature but it will be good for my faith. My pastor told me that you will never see God’s hand when there are funds in the bank – you may think you will – but it’s not the same. So I’m going to watch and see how this gets good. I look forward to the stories I get to share with you. I’m thankful for this faith test, how it challenges me to believe beyond my finite thoughts and trust words promised to us from a God who still exists to love us and provide for us. Stay tuned….

CONTROL

How does one gain control and lose control at the same time?  Rachel, the founder of Love and Hope Children's Home, is taking a sabbatical.  I am now in control of the operations, decisions, etc. of the home during the process of hiring and training new staff.  With the nature of the work, many days I feel pulled in many directions and doing things that I am not quite sure about which makes me feel out of control.  For someone like me who has always been able to control the classroom, my own home, my own surroundings, this is a new challenge for me.  The other day someone said to me, "Lighten up Kelly, all of these things won't matter in 100 years".  I laughed it off on the outside but I gasped on the inside!  Is that how I am acting?  Out of control?  So how does one gain it, let go of it and not really "lose it" (like go crazy) at the same time?

I have a tendency to want to hold on to it and then get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to.  But do I really even have control in the first place?  If I look deeper into it, my control issues come from a place of wanting to achieve (yes, I am an oldest child!).  But my service here really isn't about achievement or success, it's about Love and Hope.  The more control I find myself gaining as far as responsibilities, the more I realize I have to let go of.  I am here to serve a God that is sovereign, in control of everything.  The moments of frustration are a lack of control or lack of vision to see that God is still in control.  It's an ugly view from here, to see myself and the way I don't want to be and I've prayed that I can gracefully let go.  This is what I read this morning, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


I was thinking that maybe this was a little too personal, but if Paul can boast and delight in his weakness, than I can admit mine.  Please pray for me, for Rachel, for all the children, missionaries and caregivers that make up this ministry.  We have come so far in the past few months, turning corners with so much progress, but are still met with seasons of change.  Pray for the endurance to wait it out, trust in our hearts, not try to control all the issues but Hope in the one who is really in control and Love boldly throughout the process.

COMPANIONSHIP

Well it's been awhile since I've last written.  I can't believe how time flies.  I'm sitting poolside, enjoying my weekly day off, and trying not to get burnt....in October!!!  October is my favorite month.  I will miss it as I have always known October - changing leaves, hayrides, apple cider, candycorn, jeans and sweatshirts, and of course, college football.  But I have to say that sitting poolside isn't a bad alternative!  I especially enjoy this day because it's been awhile since we've seen the sun.  The past week and a half has been so dismal due to the rains.  The tropical storms don't seem to affect us much other than consistent rain but after so long, it was so hard even to get up in the morning to the sound of constant rain.  I will confess that I didn't shower for days because I couldn't imagine taking a cold shower when there was no end to the rain in sight.  Now, ahhh!!!  the light at the end of the tunnel.  Soon, the rainy season will end and everything will dry up.  The wonderful colors of the trees and fruits will go away and we will not see rain for many months.  This will be new for me because I've never been in Central America during the dry season. 

This past month I have been spending all of my time doing the administrative work for the children's home.  I write about that a lot because it is what most consumes my time and challenges me.  But it is only work, work that others more qualified could do much better than me, and at the end of the day I wonder when it will all calm down and get more routine like.  I like how I get to spend my days though.  There are many adventures in driving through the city, trying to conquer parts of the language I haven't managed to yet, and seeing progress happen through hard fought efforts.  I also get to spend my days with MANY people.  This is completely different to my lifestyle back in Ohio.  One of my favorite people here is Mandy (picture above of us poolside right now).  Mandy is a 24 year old missionary who traveled here with me back in June.  She is a spunky little thing who works all day long trying to make every child feel special.  She is a jack of all trades, from decorating rooms and cakes to solving all the computer gliches, Mandy is certainly a gem to this home.  I love Mandy because we can talk about anything and laugh about everything.  She's my "go to" girl and definitely a life long companion now that we've walked in these shoes.  Of course, Rachel, the director of this home, is who I spend the rest of my time with.  Rachel and I are complete opposites.  I'm structured and organized, she goes with the flow so beautifully.  We are definitely one heck of a combo platter and I love working with her.  We appreciate our differences and I love the parts of her that I am not but wish I could be.  What a great learning experience.

There is no loss for companionship here at Love and Hope.  I share a room with 5 girls and a dog (God have mercy on the 2lb dog with a fractured leg and conehead!  anyone looking to adopt?).  In the house there are 26 kids, about 10 employees a day and other missionaries who come and go.  Many times as I would sit alone in my condo back in Ohio, I would crave companionship.  Now I can't avoid it even if I wanted to.  I have known very clearly from the start that my mission was to come here and be a companion to the girl who has given her entire life to serving the kids at this children's home during a difficult year of her life.  I am learning more about how to be that type of companion to her by loving her through friendship and by the work I am doing day in and day out for the children's home.  There is no doubt that when the going gets tough it is natural to want to turn inward and look to blame one another for their faults, flaws and iniquities.  But that would be giving in.  I have fought those urges, those temptations and maybe even the truths about one another in order to say that I am committed to being a loyal companion, someone who will not turn on another person, especially when many others in the past have.  I love this mission.  I love knowing at the end of the day: I loved, I encouraged, I spoke honestly, and I gave everything.  That's not to say that I haven't struggled at it.  But I love the victories and there are more of those then failures.

MOVIN' ON UP

Today makes a week.  A week ago we moved.  Love and Hope Children's Home used to be located in Nejapa (north of San Salvador) and now we have moved to Los Planes de Renderos (south of San Salvador).  There are many reasons for why we moved but to actually move a children's home of 25 kids, 15 staff members, and 10 missionaries was quite a task.  The move went well, we are still recovering, but are happy in our new home.  The Planes de Renderos is a small quaint community about 15 minutes up from the capital.  You literally get to the edge of the city limits and go directly up a road for that amount of time.  The climate is much cooler and the neighborhood is called "Las Neblinas" or "fog" due to its high altitude and the clouds that pass by.  The new house is absolutely beautiful with 10 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms.  It's four floors tall and has all tiling with beautiful iron railings and doors.  We can walk 1 kilometer each way and find a beautiful park to walk in or play with the kids and in the other direction find a gigantic rock/cliff that you can climb and find yourself at the highest point to look out across the country and see the ocean.  The climb is great exercise and the top is rather peaceful.   Right now I am sitting on the terrace while the kids sleep.  It's the only time the terrace is a quiet spot.  The cool breeze reminds me of Ohio and September (and football season - Go Bucks!)

Through it all I lost track of the days and the hours.  It's hard to gain perspective or center myself with so much going on.  Sometimes I stop and think about all the things that I am doing and I don't know how I get through them.  For example, sitting through legal negotiations on a house, calling water companies to order tanks to fill cisterns and understanding how cisterns flow in a house, driving a stick shift vehicle while learning the roads in the capital, facilitating job interviews, managing staff members and making sure all the needs of the home get taken care of promptly.  Did I mention all of this is in Spanish too?  I'm in over my head but the work always gets done.  When I look back I smirk and think about how cool it is to be in a position to be challenged and accomplish what seems like tall mountains to me.  Some days seem like I am never going to make it and when I recognize just how hard it is for me in my own skin, I speak out silently from my heart, "Oh Lord, help!  I can't do this!  You have to come and help me!  Come quickly!"  And then He does.  I relate to this psalm,

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to stand on the heights.  He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.  You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great.  You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."

Well maybe I don't relate with all of it.  I certainly don't feel like my way is perfect, that I can bend a bow of bronze or that I am great in any way.  But I do feel like He is sustaining me, that I am standing and not turning at my ankles.  May He continue to sustain!

I have to share some praises.  We have received so much help from other organizations in order to take care of some of our basic needs.  We recently received donations to purchase new vehicles to transport the kids to school and back, for 5 new dining room tables (all natural wood from local builders!) and a protection screen for the terrace.  I have seen people answer the call for the needs the home has and it is so comforting to know that there are people out there who care so much.  "But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish".

A KIND WORD

Psalm 12:25 "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up".

This week Dr. Alex Harrison, a Harvard psychiatrist, and her team were here to train the childcare workers and provide support to everyone at the Love and Hope Children's Home.  From the moment they arrived, their impression of what is going on here was very good.  They videotaped children and the interactions with the childcare workers and then used the video to teach and encourage about all the good things that were going on.  It's so encouraging to be uplifted in such a way.  Many times my focus is about what is going wrong or what needs fixed and changed.  I have been reminded this entire week by this team that there is so much good going on that we must keep recognizing in order to go on.  They told us to celebrate "small victories".  The weight of many burdens has been lifted and my mind now has a different perspective.  The kind words and encouragement that this team gave by identifying all the positives in this ministry has cheered me up. 

Not only have their kind words cheered me up, but words from a lot of others and maybe even you.  There has been such a multitude and I can't help from noticing that it is all coming at once.  It really is true that anxiety can weigh you down but kind words cheer you up.  I've experienced that this week and realized how off my perspective has been and how well others can lead me back to a place of peace. 

I am humbled by the kindness that others share when they see the work here.  I am cheered up by the opportunity to see from their eyes, their perspective and from the videos - all the things we are doing to train these kids up in the way they should go.  We are imperfect and we are learning more every day, but for today, there are 25 kids who are not being abused, abandoned or neglected on the streets of El Salvador. 

IMPERFECTION

The other day I went to a deli to get a sandwich.  There was a boy about 6 years old who was hanging out near the steps.  No shoes, clothes that didn't fit and dirt all over.  He asked me for money but I kept going.  I got my sandwich and walked out.  He was still there.  He asked again and I kept going.  I walked across the street and went into McDonald's to meet my friends.  I couldn't eat.  How could I eat knowing I just walked by this little boy?  I ordered some food and went back to him.  He was sitting down and when he saw the McDonald's bag he put a pure, innocent and simple smile on his face.  No teeth, no words, just a little smile that was like "I'm going to eat, mmm..".  I sat down and had some fries with him.  He told me his name was Jose.  I wish that I would've asked him more, where his parents were?, who he was with?, where does he live?.  I didn't.  I just kissed his cheek and walked away.  I cried the way back.  How is this fair?

There is a boy who lives near the children's home.  He is 18 years old and comes to the home for his meals.  He has had a rough start at life, in and out of children's homes, in and out of his family's home, and now his only living parent doesn't want anything to do with him.  Our home pays his rent to live with another 18 year old close by.  He is attending school but is in the 8th grade.  Our leadership team was trying to decide what to do in order to help him become an independent, successful and responsible adult.  We decided that we would help him open up a bank account, write him a check for support, teach him how to pay his own rent, groceries, bus fare, school supplies, etc. while he attends school.  I took this on as a special mission because I usually spend my days with kids his age and I really want to see him succeed.  We set up a budget for him and I taught him how to record his income and spending.  I told him that I would check it every month to see if he was doing well with the money we give him.  I also told him that getting a support check for rent and food will require a report card and attendance record from school regularly.  He told me that he can't bring his report card because parents are supposed to go to the school and pick them up monthly but noone ever shows up for him so he doesn't get a copy.  I asked if I could go and pick it up for him and meet with his teachers.  He quickly jumped on that idea and my heart broke.  At that moment I looked at him: his spiky hair, little frame, headphones at his side and felt such love.  I knew it didn't come from me, it came from a place of feeling a burden for those who don't have families and are left without that is placed on one's heart from a God who loves us all.

Today I read a quote and it helped me understand my feelings.  "God brings imperfect people together to perform His work on earth.  He does not send angels.  Angels weep over this world, but God does not use angels to accomplish His purposes.  He uses burdened, broken-hearted, weeping men and women." -David Wilkerson   I get discouraged when I see the odds, the hardships, the trials and the amount of whatever it will take for people to live in hope and be free.  That quote made me understand why I have to see it.  If I never saw it, my heart wouldn't break, and I'd never care for another.  So, until I arrive in heaven, my time on Earth has to be this: eyes wide open to weep, be burdened and broken by what I cannot fix and can only place my hope in a God who can use an imperfect person like me to be a light.  I know my buddy will make some mistakes with his money management and will fail at times with other things.  But I want to keep giving him hope that God picks us up, dusts us off, and gives us new mercies for each day and will place the lonely in families.  I know he has for me.

Vacaciones Agostinas

Ahhh!  August Vacation in El Salvador!  The schools, banks and government offices close for the week and all the kiddos and families hit the pool or the beach!  We are in the middle of vacation and have planned a lot of fun events with the children here.  On Monday we went to the beach about an hour away.  We rented a house for the day and the kids enjoyed the beach, the pool, volleyball, s'mores, hotdogs and a slumber party.  Tuesday was a big trip to Pizza Hut...and not just any ol' Pizza Hut, a totally decked out one with jumbo playgrounds and much more.  The perfect place for 20+ kids!  Wednesday - a day of scrapbooking and other crafts.  Thursday we are going hiking through some waterfalls and Friday is the fair!  I'll have to report back to you what Salvadoran fair food is like....hmmmm..... :)  The nice break in routine is great for all of us.  It's nice to spend some fun time with the kids instead of the hustle and bustle of getting homework, chores, laundry and etc. done.  My favorite moment this week was the simplicity of swimming with Chamba in the pool.  I carried him back and forth for many laps, jumping up and down, while he smiled and played with the toy torpedo.  His smile reminds me of an alligator because when he opens his mouth you can see every last one of his teeth.  It's such a delight to kick back and enjoy one on one time like that.  We also braved some waves together.  Chamba isn't old enough to go in the water but he did muster up some courage to stand at the shore and jump some waves with my help.  Lots more fun to come during the vacation week!  Adios!