A Beautiful Mess

Motherhood has made a mess of me...in a beautiful way.  I guess I have always been kind of a mess but there's no better way to show it off other than this.  I knew being a mom would be a good kind of hard but I had no idea how it would shape me into a completely new person - someone who has to rid themselves of pleasing anyone but God, being ok with many flaws/failures and accepting that God's grace is sufficient even when you feel like you can't do anything right!  :)

Antonio is the greatest gift!  He is such an affectionate, funny, playful, talented and brave human being.  I have laughed so much during these past seven weeks!  He is doing really well with all of the change.  He often says, "I am here with you forever" and gives me a big hug.  I'd say he's happy!   

We have spent most of our time balancing medical appointments, school and family fun.  Antonio was on a medical excuse from school since he arrived but started attending half days last Wednesday!  He attends Central School in the Brecksville-Broadview Heights District and absolutely LOVES it! I have been off of work on Family Medical Leave and will start to transition back as Antonio does.  He's excited to go so I think he will be attending full days in no time!

Medically speaking we have spent our time split between Akron Children's, the Clinic and Shriner's in Erie.  Unfortunately, when Antonio had his achilles tendons released in El Salvador, they overdid the job and doesn't have that support to hold him up straight.  Also his right hip is 40% out of joint and may face surgery if it deviates any further.  The positive side is that Antonio has been rid of all his prescriptions he used to take in El Salvador!  He will receive new braces, a new posterior walker to improve his posture and a self-propelling wheelchair for long distances!  We are really blessed by so many incredible resources here in the United States!   

Convincing Antonio of all the wonderful activities there are to do outside during the summer and fall months has been somewhat of a chore, however, he always ends up really enjoying them: baseball and football games, swimming, walking in the park, throwing rocks in the lake, feeding fish, picking apples, riding tractors, biking, etc.  Tonio's talent is singing so we make sure there is always time for that!  He has memorized many new songs from 95,5 The Fish.  His favorites are Speak Life by Toby Mac and Fix My Eyes by For King and Country.  He will soon start singing and guitar lessons along with swimming and horseback riding lessons.  He is going to have one full schedule!  

Preserving Antonio's cultural identity is very important to me.  He gets his hair cut at a latino barbershop and we eat out at a pupuseria (Salvadoran corn tortillas filled with beans, cheese and pork) once a week.  We also continue to speak Spanish together, knowing that he will learn English very quickly from all the kids around him.  In fact, in less than 2 months I have witnessed quite an improvement from when he first came here!  

As for my identity - well, it hasn't been very well preserved!  Haha!  But I'm working on that :).



I can't ever express how much gratitude I have for every single person who has helped make this adoption come to fruition.  From my family, friends, church, NRCS, missionaries in El Salvador and supporters that I have never met...I pray that God blesses you for having blessed Tonio and me!

Consent

The big day arrived.  I was so excited.  I had prepared for this for so long.  Tonio was excited too.  He has wondered about so many things and has counted down the days.  The only way this day could have a different outcome was if his biological mother did not show up to give CONSENT.  She had given it verbally and legally a handful of times so far.  She had been consistent so there was nothing to worry about, said our social worker.

However, I knew that so much was riding on her consent and that getting her there would not be that easy, not because she didn't want to but because of transportation, etc.  The Love and Hope team arranged to pick her up at a bus stop and take her to the courthouse for our 8:45am hearing.  I drove separately and as I walked to the courthouse I was talking out loud to myself, training my mind to think about all that God has done and will do to complete this work and to not focus on all the things that could go wrong.  I was nervous but I had to channel it.  After 8:45 rolled around, I got word that his mother was going to be late.  They interviewed Tonio first and then the judge said she could move on with her other cases and maybe make room for her later.  Whew.  Ok.  Well, she never showed at the bus stop.  She didn't answer her phone for a long time either.  We found out she had forgotten her phone, went back to get it and then decided to stop at the bank to pay some bills.  Really?!!??  So, the team went out to get her at the bank but couldn't find her anywhere.  I sat at the courthouse sick to my stomach.  Was she dodging this?  Was she saying one thing and intentionally not doing it?  What was going on?  What will happen if she doesn't come today?  What will happen if she doesn't sign ever?  Does she really understand what's at stake here?  I couldn't go there in my head but I couldn't help it either.  I had brought my journal so that I could write truth statements and keep my mind on track.  It was so hard though, every minute seemed like an hour and every hour seemed like an eternity.  I started to doubt that this would happen today and I was so fearful.  I sang hymns in my head and kept whispering "Jesus".  Tonio even heard me and repeated it a few times.  The Love and Hope team kept calling her, kept looking for her and waiting.  At about 10:30am(2.5 hours after the arranged meeting time) we got word that they found her, she was in the vehicle and on the way.  Ahhh....relief.  After 3 hours - at 11am she walked through the courthouse doors and we all breathed a little easier.   She explained it was a complicated morning trying to get there but I didn't care really to hear her reasons, I was concerned if she was still going to sign.  My lawyer went on to inform the court she was there and the judge said that she needed a lawyer too so another scramble of trying to make things happen took place.  Finally the judge appointed her one that was already there and they were able to squeeze us in around noon.  The whole process probably lasted less than 10 minutes because they were trying to fit us in.  Consent took less than 30 seconds and then she was asked to leave.  The judge, very serious yet kind, said "he is now your son" and "we normally wouldn't have scheduled this at this time or made this exception but because you were in the country and we know that you are leaving in August we will not delay, what normally takes days to produce the final written decree - you will have tomorrow"

While waiting to sign the papers, I stood in awe of what God had just done.

• we missed our hearing time because the mother didn't show up on time
• the judge made an exception to hear the case when she arrived
• the judge made an exception to appoint her an attorney
• the judge made an exception to hear a case in 10 minutes 
• the judge made an exception to get the papers signed in 20 minutes in the hallway
• the judge made an exception to produce the decree for the following day

He was in control and completed His work seemingly against all odds.   He has big plans for Tonio and I'm just along for the ride.  After his biological mother signed her consent, I told her "What you did today was the best thing you could have done for your son.  God loves him so much that He put it on my heart to take care of him.  He loves you that much too.  I will always remember your story.  I will not forget the troubles you have faced and how courageous you were today.  I care for you and your family very much.  I respect you for what you have done.  You have allowed an incredible blessing to happen for your son's life".

When I think about just how much was riding on this woman's parental consent, and how in so many ways this hearing could have been thwarted, I think "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?"  And He had given His divine CONSENT along time ago...

My faith has been stretched through every step of this process.  So many times I said, "I can't take much more" "I feel like I will die if this doesn't go through" "My heart just yearns and I feel out of control".  In those places I do not like to be but it is the only place where He can be seen for real and can carry me beyond what I can bear.  

When his mother told me that their grandma is failing, his older sister can't leave the house because she's in a wheel chair and no one can carry her down the steps to get out of the house, and the oldest son doesn't want to study anymore because at 16 years old he joined the gang - I really felt the weight of how God has saved Tonio and given him new life.  

Telling Tonio

The amazement of what just happened last week is still settling in my mind and heart.  All of my prayers seemed to be answered in one split second.  I had prayed for at least a meeting with the judge in order to plead for a court date.  Done.  I prayed that the judge would approve this adoption so that it could go to a hearing.  Done.  I prayed for the adoption to be completed this summer.  Done.  And last Monday I cried out to God that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him one more time.  Done. Wow.  I am so grateful for God's favor.  I am in awe of how He worked out every last little detail to my benefit, especially when it looked impossible, but most importantly, he stretched my faith in a deeper way.  I look back and think "I could've had more.  I should've never doubted or been frustrated.  I will be even better next time".

TELLING TONIO
Tonio grinned from ear to ear as he sat and listened to me tell him what is to come.  "Since I met you I had a desire to love and care for you.  When I moved back to the States I worked hard to make you my son and bring you home with me.  I was so sad to say goodbye to you every time I visited.  But this time, this time it's for real, this time you get to come home with me and live with me as my son, in my home, in the United States".   He beamed, not knowing what to say, quietly processing, but beaming.  When asked his thoughts about it, he nodded his head and said "yes", he wanted this.

Tonio has never been shy about his desire to live with me and go to the United States with me.  The hardest thing for me during this entire process was keep that from him until I received a concrete date of when it would happen.  His dream and desire came true at last.  Immediately Tonio took on possession of my family calling them "my grandparents, my nieces and nephews, my house, and our cat".  (I had to explain that my nieces and nephews are his cousins, he still doesn't get it, but there's plenty of time for that!)   Every morning the first words out of his mouth are "I'm going to the United States!  Woo hoo!".  He's asked some really cute questions such as, "What uniform should I take to go to school there?" (all Latin American schools were uniforms so it will be a change for him to wear regular clothes to school).  After singing the lyrics to "Happy", he suddenly wanted to know what music they have in the states.  I laughed and said "exactly what you're singing".  Tonio has had a fascination for planes ever since he realized that's how one travels to the United States.  He is soooo excited about the opportunity to ride in one.  He asked how many "minutes" will he be in it and if we can sleep once we get going.  This plane ride is going to be precious.  It will be in those hours that he will move forward to the unknown but his childlike faith and ability to transition well to anything with a positive, joyful attitude will be something he will teach all of us.

I have seen so much growth in this little man - from his academic achievements (reading, writing, English, etc.) to growing stronger physically and especially the way he is so teachable and desires to learn, work hard and enjoy life.  This kid is ready for what is to come.  I have no doubt that he will thrive in his new surroundings and that he will melt every single heart that meets him.

I speak as if it has already been completed.  The truth is that him and I still have to be observed by a social worker and psychologist from the court on July 10th for 30 minutes.  And there still is a hearing.  His biological mother still has to show up to give her parental consent one last time.  I agree with my uncle Jon who commented that he would continue to pray until we are on American soil.  I ask that you all would do that as well - pray against any obstacles that could prevent these last few protocols.  I know that God will complete this very good work that He inspired in me.  I praise Him for what he has done, is doing and will do on July 14th.

Tonio's homework assignment for Mother's Day was to describe his mother.  He described me.  He didn't know it then that it would happen for real!

Persistence 2

I went to the court today and asked to speak to the judge.  I know this is not common protocol but I had to do something if not for anybody else but me.  She is busy with hearings every morning but in the afternoon may have some time if my lawyer calls and makes an appointment.  He's going to do that today.  The hold up is that the judge didn't think my case was in the right court but we're waiting for her to review the paperwork again and approve it.  She is returning from being out for a month and this particular court is "saturated" (they keep telling me) so I just don't think a resolution is coming anytime soon.  I'm going to be persistent and do everything that I know to do but I also see the reality of a very HARD system.

Please pray that the judge will receive my request to schedule an appointment with my lawyer and me.  And pray that I will not lose heart.

Persistence

The end is near.  I don't know when though.  I've been waiting for a judge to review my adoption case and set a date to have an official adoption hearing...for the last four months.  In June, the judge assigned to my case was called out on another assignment and will not return until June 23rd.  How perfect!  I will arriving on the 21st and plan to visit her.  Through my wide range of emotions - I have resolved to be persistent and faithful - here's why:  

Luke 18: 1-8
And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’”

I had to laugh a little at that one.  It's a great story of persistence.  Here's more:

Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

Luke 11: 5-10
And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

After reading and listening to others talk about these verses, I am encouraged and strengthened.  I also admit that I have felt disappointed, powerless, frustrated and fearful with this process.  I have felt my heart break over and over after each delay and it has tested my faith time and time again.  A lot of people have said, "You are trying to do a good thing so why is it so hard to make it happen?"  I have felt that way too.  I think many truly 'good' things are hard things.  And the reaping may not come immediately.  Still we must persevere in faith.    

Prayer requests:
1.  that the judge would see me on Monday, hear my story, have a heart of compassion for Tonio and schedule a court date in July.
2.  that I would be able to tell Tonio about what is to come - sooner than later.
3.  for a miracle of timing - that I would be able to bring him home with me in August.
4.  for another miracle of not having to miss work for a long period of time and have to go unpaid.  
5.  for wisdom in my pursuit of persistence.
6.  for strength to endure whatever God asks me (and Tonio) to endure.  

Praise:
1.  Tonio's heart is so loving and I really feel that God has prepared him and me especially for one another.
2.  because God will complete the work he started and that He is putting a child together in a family forever.
3.  because God has compelled so many people to give financially and it has allowed his needs to be satisfied.

Below is a sneak peek of the almost finished product.  Thanks to the non-profit Color Your Corner and interior designer Chris Roblin - Tonio will have fresh new room!

The Best is Yet to Come

March 1st marked a reality for me.  It's March.  I thought maybe I would have a court date by March and I don't.  Ugh.  Sigh.  Wait!  I have spring break in 3 weeks (March 21st).  I definitely should consider a visit since I don't have a court date in sight.  Let's see what the prices are for flights.  Really?  Under $600?  I just have to spend the night in the airport both ways?  Ugh.  Oh well.  SIGN ME UP!!!!!!!!

Growing in excitement for Saturday's reunion, Tonio and I entered into our webcam relationship last night so he could remind me of his request for spicy nachos from the US, an Incredibles DVD and to bring my Ipad. He just had to share how he made plans to pick me up at the airport and make another welcome sign (Kirsten says it's the only time he gets motivated to color, haha.)  He recalled our other visits and special times together and asked if we could go to the movies and have a sleepover.  Kid, if I could just TELL you what is to come... 

We talked for about an hour and after numerous books were read, exciting plans for my visit were discussed and repeated tours around my house to show him my TV, my cat, and the whole routine were made - the battery on his device ended and we were cut off just like that.  Skype with Tonio is always bittersweet.  My heart was filled and overflowing because he was in an excited and talkative mood, but then there's the end. Although I'm SOOOO grateful for videoconferencing technology, it just reminds me that the best is yet to come.   One day he will make my home his, not just take a virtual tour.

Broadening my view, I see how my separated relationship and anticipated reunion mirrors the relationship I have with God.  I imagine him saying those same words to me, "Kid, if you could only see what is to come..."  The promise of heaven with a perfect Father and a sovereign God is something to revere, a promise to grasp onto and an image to look forward to as I wade through life's struggles and hardships.  I know one day that the best is yet to come, He will make his home mine.

How will I wait?

Waiting is hard and disappointing.  Waiting seems unfair.  Waiting makes me anxious.  Waiting tempts me to take things into my own hands.  And waiting has made me angry and confused at God, I admit.  

I love all that October brings, it is my most favorite time of the year, but this year it brought news that ruined my hopes of having Antonio home for the holidays.  I spiraled downward and fumbled through some hard thoughts, "Why do I pray?"  "Why would God make us wait even longer?" "Why is putting the lonely in families so hard?" "Why must God allow my heart to hurt so much?".  I felt challenged to believe in His goodness.  I felt bitter, angry, and not sure what to do with my emotions or how to pray anymore.  

So here is the challenge:  HOW does one wait, especially after disappointment?  Friends and family have encouraged me to get my house and his room ready, which has helped tremendously and has cheered me up.  Remembering the call (from Isaiah 58:10 "to satisfy the needs of the oppressed") that inspired me to put adoption into action has allowed me believe that He will see it to the end and to trust Him beyond understanding while I wait.  And finally, a chapter titled "Waiting Well" (Carried Home Safely) redirected my questions about prayer into solid answers.  One Biblical parable is that of maids waiting for a bridegroom.  Some waited poorly - running out of oil for their lamps and missing out on the opportunity when it came, and others waited well - having extra oil so that they would not miss out.  Alarmed of the dangers of waiting poorly, "keeping watch, not knowing the day or hour..." and to worship the Lord and practice faith (believing what I do not see) while I wait is a more appealing mindset.  Changing my mindset is a lot easier when reminded of the consequences of those who failed.  Lord, I want to do it right and wait well.  Thank you for showing me how!

Struggling with not knowing the day or the hour prompted me to visit Antonio over Thanksgiving.  It was a surprise 9 day trip purposing to make more deposits into our relationship and fulfilling a promise that I would again visit in December.  My spirit was renewed.  His laughter and sheer nature of playfulness seems to ease my soul.  The uncertainty and longevity behind waiting is painful and disappointing but as I have been challenged, I can wait well or wait poorly.  I must keep watch - preparing for the moment that could come at any time and keeping my light bright at all times.

  

Are You My Mother?

A childhood favorite, one that still shows its face around our house once in a while (even though it has been 30+ years of its purchase) is the precious storybook my mom and I decided would be the best to share with Tonio and help to teach him to read this summer.  Every night for the past 5 weeks I have been able to read "Are You My Mother?" at bedtime and then fall off to sleep.  Its connections to all that's happening in his life and mine collide in this one rendition of a baby bird looking for his mother.

The mother bird knows her baby is soon to come and she flies off to get food for him.  The egg hatches before the mother returns and the baby bird walks off to find his mother.  He searches all over asking other animals if they are his mother and finally ends up back in his nest in time for the mother to return with food for her baby.  The repeated question, "Are You My Mother?" and final exclamation of the story, "You are my mother!" have now been memorized by Tonio and it gives me such a smile and butterfly in my stomach when I hear him say it as I anticipate the upcoming day when I get to share the reality of his questions. Its not just a storybook, it's Tonio's story...and the end is soon to come when he can say, "You are my mother!"

During this time with Tonio my days are filled with getting him on and off the bus, eating meals together, doing homework and extra English lessons, exploring his interests in music/tools/foods, learning more about his therapy needs and nurturing a spiritual relationship with God.  I have a vision of what's to come and all I can say is that it energizes me and gives me a sense of purpose as I spend myself satisfying his needs.  We are all called to this and I find such joy in having it realized through adoption and becoming a mother.  

Isaiah 58:10:
 "and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry 
   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, 
then your light will rise in the darkness, 
   and your night will become like the noonday" 

Tears into Dancing

Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.

”You turned my wailing into dancing"

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.    

Lord my God, I will praise you forever.  Psalm 30:10-12

There has been a sad pit developing inside of me because as I get closer to traveling to El Salvador for the summer - I fear the moment when I have to say goodbye again in August to the precious little boy that I am adopting.  I know I haven't even arrived yet, but I had hopes that the adoption would be complete by then, and our God is a God of the impossible - so I still have hopes, but at the same time the odds are against it.

My heart is sad not for me, but for him.  Tone has experienced more loss than a child should have to.  He's had to say goodbye to his family, goodbye to the first institution and goodbye to several caregivers that meant a lot to him at Love and Hope.  He said goodbye to me two times already and I anticipate one more time again in August.  He experiences loss through sadness and quietness.  He doesn't express himself verbally but he does take it hard and his tears are so hard to endure.  He's a sensitive little guy but also quite resilient.  He has much to be joyful about as well, and joy is what he expresses more of usually.  That's his charm!  And one day we will rejoice together knowing that we won't ever have to say goodbye.  

I break down and cry every time I think about how much I don't want to disappoint him by leaving before I can take him home for good.  It brings me to desperately cry out to God for a miracle.  I would love to see him come home with me in August or that I would have a court date by then and could finally share the news that he will for sure have a forever family with me and that the wait time won't be long.  I pray for that everyday.   

So much of this journey is giving over control and trusting God to make it all work out.  I trust God.  I trust that He is doing way more than I can see right now.  I know that His hand is in this and that He will provide for every need that Tone has.  Only He can heal Tone's heart and the hurt left by imperfect people and unjust circumstances.  But I still pray that God's will is for him to come home in August and that in whatever fashion, it would bring so much GLORY to His name and many would come to praise Him because of the GOOD GOD that HE IS.  

Please pray, above all, that God's will be done - not mine.  Please pray for Tone's heart and that He would know how much God loves him and is his Father no matter where He lives or whatever circumstance he is in.  Please pray for me and that I would be strong and faithful to the Lord as I trust His mercy and grace to be enough for all that is left to endure.  Please pray that we would be a forever family - that our tears would turn into dancing sooner than later -  AND that this story would lead those who don't believe in a LOVING GOD to have the scales removed from their eyes and start.  In Jesus name!  

...JUNE!

January, February, March, April, May...JUNE!  The blessings of being a teacher is that I can travel during the summer months.  And next month I'm off...again!  

That sad January day I left El Salvador this past Christmas break, I told everyone I would be back in June and Tone and I have been counting down 6 months until we get to see each other again.  He's really good at half of the months in English by now.  We're one month away from another visit, this time for two months, and he has already asked permission to ride to the airport to pick me up.  I can't wait for this sweet reunion!  It's been a long year waiting for all the paperwork that goes into the adoption process.

A recap:  I spent June - December getting approval from the US government to be considered an international adoptive parent.  Then in January I delivered all of my paperwork to my lawyer and he said I could be optimistic about August.  I haven't heard a thing yet.  UGH!!!!  I can't explain what is happening that makes the process go so long.  All I know is that we live in a country that has systems set up for processes to happen according to a timeline.  It's not the same way in other countries and we are all at the mercy of the employees and work load at the governments agencies.  I know I will not return in August with my little boy but maybe Christmas is a more realistic hope.

The amount of time apart from him has started to pay a toll on me.  The lack of any progress in the process has also weighed me down a bit.  In addition to that, last week I realized that I would have to take time off for the adoption (now that it's clearly not happening in August) without access to my 100+ accumulated sick day leave.  It just doesn't seem fair and keeping my hopes up was becoming harder.

Just when I needed a bit of good news, I received a letter today from a grant that I had applied for in February.  It said that I was awarded $6,500 toward the adoption!!!!!!!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!!!!  The pushes me over my goal of raising $20,000!!!!!!!!.  I just can't believe it!!!!!!!  This news is so incredible and it came when I needed to hear it the most.  God is so faithful.  He knows every need and provides.  Always.

There are several huge mountains to climb before all of this comes to fruition.  I thank you all for being interested, encouraging and supportive.

As I finish off the school year, I am reminded that my 1 year anniversary for returning to the USA is in a few weeks.  I've already purchased a ticket to return.  It just so happens that the woman I hired to do my job in El Salvador is having surgery two days before I get there so guess what...I get my job back!  ha ha!

Timing

Waiting...I've never been really good at it.  I can drive myself crazy in the meantime.  It's really not my fault, though, the "hurry-up, right now!" gene dominates on the maternal side.  I see it in my grandma - she'll do anything at 80+ years just to get it done...yesterday.  I see it in my mother - she'll have the saw and hand tools out with eye goggles on just because my dad took "too long" to get to it.  Oh yes, it's in my nature.  I know I am in good company with others out there too!   God's timing is perfect and I rest, not all the time, but challenged to rest, knowing that He is working out details that I can't see right now, working out everything for good so that He will be glorified. 

 

 

There are moments when I think I can't stand it any longer though, like when Rachel brought back a painting Tonio made. It's me on a plane smiling because I was going back to my family and him on the ground wearing a red OHIO t-shirt, his round glasses and a frown.  The sun is even frowing.  My heart aches.  Then joy sets in when I see snipits of the future and how God is preparing Tonio's heart when he says, "Mami Kellyta" and "sabes que te amo?" (little mommy Kelly / Do you know that I love you?).  My heart settles into contentment and confirms that this is something He planned even before the two of us were born, a divine match!    

I remember when I was deciding to stay on mission for a second year or not.  I actually said these words, "God, I am scared to go back home and return to my life as I know it.  I want something amazing to take place.  Something that will change my life forever because of this experience.  Let me build on this and not fall back into a comfort zone."  God didn't disappoint.  Well...not that he answers to me, of course, but because He aligns our heart with His will when we allow it.  And a month later we received a call at the home to go and meet Tonio. 

The waiting period makes me anxious.  Remembering how He answers my cry cancels it and renews my faith. 

Many people have asked "Where are you at in the adoption process?"  Now that my file is in the hands of the Salvadoran Office of Adoptions, here is my hopeful timeline:

Step 1:  Be approved as an adoptive parent through OPA (Office of Adoptions) by MARCH
Step 2:  Be approved at the big meeting with all offices representing adoption by APRIL
Step 3:  Be officially assigned to Antonio and received a "Referral" by MAY
Step 4:  Be assigned a court date for JUNE or JULY
Step 5:  Travel and return by AUGUST

Ever since I started this process I have envisioned that Antonio would be here by August 5th, 2013...his 9th birthday.  When my lawyer in El Salvador suggested a timeline of June, July and August - my heart leaped!  Really?  That's my summer break!  And that's what I was thinking anyway!!  haha.  And it would be perfect timing for school transitioning!  On the other hand, I fully trust God's timing and his perfect plan for what He is authoring, and I won't be surprised if it takes "un poquito" longer. 

There is a new thermometer on the right of this blog to celebrate the timely receipt of provision through this process step by step.  The next & last phase is due at the referral step.  I have applied for 3 grants that offer gifts enough to support the balance of need.  Can't wait to watch how God works it all out.  He awes me.   

I received some encouraging news about Tonio yesterday.  There have been some really great people working with him and his ability to walk.  Check out this video!  

Known

My heart melted when I walked into the dining area and all their little sleeping bodies were curled up on mattresses early Christmas morning.  I snuggled up next to Tonio, Raul and Chamba.  Daniel woke up crying in his sleep a little later so I pulled him close to join the Twister game of gentle souls waiting to celebrate the biggest birthday of the year.  When Tonio woke up, he whispered, "Santa came!" and we smiled and hugged as months of anticipation finally came to rest.  One by one, the others started to wake up and lots of excited hugs and kisses were exchanged and I quickly realized there is a place within me that has been touched and forever changed because I "know" and have been "known" by them.

One special greeting came from a little gal who returned to the home after having been gone for several years.  I heard this voice, "Hi Kelly Moore."  I turned to look over the sea of blankets and it took me a few seconds to figure out whose little mouth it came from.  It was Lissette.  I hadn't seen her in 3+ years!  How did she remember me and my last name?  Wow.  She knew me and I knew her.

Christmas Day was quite a celebration, the kids packed onto the bus with gifts they wrapped up from their own belongings to distribute to other kids throughout the neighborhood.  It's a great tradition to get our hearts in the right place before opening up gifts waiting at the home.  It was my first Christmas under palm trees and sunshine and I had to chuckle when there was a stocking hanging on the terrace for me but the chocolate inside had melted from being in the sun!  haha. 

Watching Tonio open his gifts sent from awaiting grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins made the day seem just perfect.  Nearing the evening, Tonio kept asking if we were going to do the list of things that he we had been planning.  I told him to be patient because we didn't have to do everything in one day.  Just then I realized that when I told him I was coming for Christmas, he had been thinking that I would visit just that day - and that I would leave by night.  Awwhhh.  What a relief that we would share 10 more just like this one!

Every minute was a blessing.  Every day was well spent.  I felt joy as I put on a "mom" hat (instead of the director hat I had worn for 2 years) and eased into the role of just going with the flow and helping to meet the everyday needs as they came.  I also focused on developing a deeper relationship with Tonio.  We were able to get to "know" each other in a new way.  For once, I didn't have to split my time between responsibilities.  He was all mine and I was all his! 

Of course that made leaving heart-breaking. I didn't think I could take it, not so much for me - because I know what is to come - but for him because his little heart and head doesn't quite comprehend all that is happening, only sadness of me leaving...again. Saying goodbye for now is only temporary. But there will be a day when I get to tell him what God has planned for us and I can't imagine the joy we will feel when forever happens. My cup runneth over.   

HOME

I have been "home" now for 7 months.  But what does "home" really mean?  I usually don't experience culture shock or have any issues transitioning back and forth from different international experiences.  And I would say this time is the same except that hindsight has provided more clarity.  I thought returning to life as I had built it for the last 15 years would be easier.   But Cleveland is not my home, it is a city where I work.  My condo is not my home, it is a place where I sleep and eat while I am working at NRHS.  NRHS is not my home either, it's my job, (and a really great one!)  What I thought was home for me for many years seems so distant, it's different, it's lonely and it's hard to feel reconnected.  So the last 4 months has left me with the question:  where is my home? and what is "home" to me anyway? And then I read this verse:  "God sets the lonely in families..."    "God settles the solitary in a home..."  (Psa 68:6)

(Excerpt from Barnes' Notes on the Bible):

God is the friend of the orphan and the widow; and, in like manner, he is the friend of the cast out - the wandering - the homeless; - he provides for them a home. The meaning is, that he is benevolent and kind, and that they who have no other friend may find a friend in God. At the same time it is true, however, that the family organization is to be traced to God. It is his original appointment; and all that there is in the family that contributes to the happiness of mankind - all that there is of comfort in the world that depends on the family organization - is to be traced to the goodness of God. Nothing more clearly marks the benignity and the wisdom of God than the arrangement by which people, instead of being solitary wanderers on the face of the earth, with nothing to bind them in sympathy, in love, and in interest to each other, are grouped together in families.

If there has been one burning truth throughout my transition back "home" that has kept me grounded and focused, it has been my desire to have a family.  I have worked diligently to complete the demands of a "home" study and other immigration requirements so I can bring a Salvadoran boy home to my family as soon as possible.  When my desire first started I though it would be just the two of us.  But as this journey has developed, I see that my family is really formed of some incredible people called parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and siblings that are working just as hard as me to help make this dream happen.  They are my "home".  I can truly say that I will never be lonely or alone as I expand our family.  What joy! 

This Christmas I am setting out to be with my future forever family member.  I will spend Christmas Day until Jan. 6th at Love and Hope Children's Home.  At this time I also get to hand deliver my "dossier" that has all the stamps, approvals, seals, staples and signatures of about 30 documents that say I meet their requirements.  I will hand it to my lawyer who will turn it into the government.  They will have several meetings to approve me and then "match" me to the child.  There are 5-6 more steps after that.  I am praying that this process will be complete before Tonio's 9th birthday on August 5th, 2013.  However, a more worldly view from my agency has said that I probably have another 12 month wait.  Well, God can change all of that, and since he is the creator of all things including the family organization, I will rest in his timing and marvel over the miracle of setting the lonely in families and the solitary in a home. 

Joy Ride

I am on a JOY RIDE!  That's the best way I can express it.  This summer I have witnessed really incredible things happen.  I want to count all the ways that God has done immeasurably more that I could ask for or imagine and give Him all the glory!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Eph 3:20-21

Most of my stories center around the journey of adoption but not limited to it.  Not even 24 hours of returning from the mission field of El Salvador, I was greeted with a special homecoming of my family members - a wonderful celebration of being home and all of the people who surround me and make up my family.  They all brought a bag of dried goods to fill my pantry, knowing that I wouldn't have a paycheck until September, and the food is enough.  I recently moved into my condo and filled up my kitchen.  God knew my needs and provided through my family.  I am so grateful!

My parents took me into their home for two months while I waited for lease on my condo to expire.  For them it's no big deal, but if I didn't have parents like them - who, without a second thought, just provided for every need...what would I have done?

My brothers and their families welcomed me in their homes for a few weeks in southern Ohio/northern Kentucky so that I could get reconnected with them and enjoy a piece of summer.  They took care of me, they fed me and the time I spent hanging out and getting reacquainted with them is priceless.

My grandparents and every single aunt and uncle that I have has in some way touched my life with a very special and unique blessing. Whether it be hosting a reunion, a weekend road trip to get my car, sacrificial giving to help get adoption going, hosting a huge garage sale at their home and the endless hours of tagging items and working the event, truck load trips to drop off donations and supplies.....how will I ever be able to repay them? Or even appropriately thank them?

On June 2nd I returned from El Salvador.  On June 4th, I needed $2,000 to sign a contract with an adoption agency.  I waited for a week or two because I had no idea what to do next.  One morning I felt very motivated and hopeful.  I told my mom "pray for Friday" and her mouth hit the floor.  It was only two days away.  I told her "God can make anything happen...just pray for Friday".  That Wednesday morning I set out to make 200 phone calls asking my friends and family to sponsor a "puzzle piece" for $10 that would eventually add up to the amount I needed to send in.  It worked.  People gave.  And I had the money in two days.  My parents and I were blown away by generosity and God's faithfulness.  He answered my prayer. 

That was just the beginning.  Now I'm in the midst of 3 fundraising events in 1 week and I still can't seem to get a grip on the amazing blessings that God has rained upon this journey through His people that are my family and even through those who don't even know me.  I need to raise another $8,000 in order to send in my dossier (my tedious paperwork & home study) so that the government can process it all.  I was and still am overwhelmed by the challenge to raise this money.  How will it ever happen?  But with those questions comes the confirmation of God's faithfulness as I journey every day of this joy ride with him.  I repeat a quote that I just read today.  "God is no dead-beat dad!  Let him show off a bit."  He has provided for every need and will continue to do so because this is His will for this little boy for a child in need and He will make it happen.  I am so honored to be along for this JOY RIDE!

The efforts that everyone has taken to help and be a part of this great big task reminds me of the love of Christ.  I do not feel worthy of the love and support but am given it anyway.  We are not worthy of unconditional love and a ransom for our lives, but are given it anyway.  To those who have "spent themselves to help satisfy the needs" (Isaiah 58:10) - may you take this to heart...

Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate them one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will place the sheep at his right hand, but the goats at the left. Then the King will say to those at his right hand, `Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, `Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink? And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee?  And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?'  And the King will answer them, `Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.'

Thank you for everything you have done for me, for an abandoned child and for Jesus.  I will never be able to repay or appropriately thank everyone but Jesus can and He will. 

"We believe in you"

I was not sure how my family and friends would respond to the news of adoption.  Would they question me as a single person?  Would they think I was taking on too much?  Would they support me or stand by and wonder why I would choose to do this? 

The answers to these questions have blown me away and I can honestly say that I am overwhelmed by the amazing love God has shown me through friends and family.  Among the list of encouraging words, two family members said, "We believe in you". I cherish those words and keep them close to my heart because it helps me to keep moving forward when I get a little anxious about the mountain of work ahead on this journey.

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.            Psalm 143:8

I can't think of a better way for God to write this story.  Had I been working the last two years and saved to finance everything, I would have never been able to invite so many wonderful people into this journey and see how their hearts are moved to support, encourage and offer help. 

Knowing the love and support of your family and friends is priceless.  It helps you to move forward and appreciate the very precious moments of coming together to help one another.  I am so blessed with wonderful support and would never had known that if I wasn't on this particular journey at this specific period of time. 

When this little boy comes home I won't just be giving him a mother, but a whole entire forever family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who cared for him before they ever knew him.  That's pretty special to me! 

The month of August brings lots of events and deadlines.  I am in the middle of a home study which will be completed in a few weeks and I have the goal of completing my paperwork file (dossier) which includes the home study by the end of August.  In order to hand in my paperwork I will need to raise $7500.  I have several events planned:

1.  Chick-Fil-A:  August 7th, 4:30-7pm (Macedonia, Oh)
2.  Garage Sale:  August 9-11 (Warren, Oh)
3.  Rubber Duck Regatta:  August 11 (Cincinnati, Oh)
4.  Thirtyone party:  September (Cleveland, Oh)

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me thus far.  This is such an exciting time in my life and am glad that I can share it with so many people.  Thanks for being a part!

 

 

Many Pieces. One Puzzle

Thanks to everyone who sponsored a puzzle piece!  This helped me to raise the $2,000 I needed to send in the contractual agreement to get things started!  There is still a long road ahead but I'm grateful for all that helped with the first step!  Now, it's onto the home study...

A Piece of the Puzzle

This photo was made into a puzzle.  It has 252 pieces.  I would like to ask you to help me put the pieces together to realize an adoption. 

Sun rising behind the volcano at La Puerta del Diablo. 

This view happens every morning in El Salvador!

Each piece of the puzzle can be "sponsored" for $10.  Your name will be written on the backside of the piece.  As the pieces are sponsored, the puzzle will take shape once piece at a time.  Once the puzzle is completed, it will be framed (for viewing on both sides) and displayed in my home. 

There are so many pieces and parts to an international adoption and it really takes a lot of support to make this happen.  Thank you for your consideration in being a piece to the puzzle!


"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  James 1:27

You can donate $10 by clicking Donate on the PayPal button (right column of this blog) or you can send a check to my address.  Email me at: senoritamas@gmail.com for my address.

Adoption

Short Version:  In April of 2011, I met a child that touched my heart like never before and now I am pursuing an international adoption.  The cost is estimated to be $20,000.  I need to raise funds to begin the process.  If you would like to help - one way is to click on the PayPal donate button (right column of this blog).  Read on below if you'd like to know more of the story :)

My story:

All of my adult life I have wanted to be married and have a family. Throughout my twenties I was plagued with insecurities about why I had such a hard time making that happen. I coped by telling myself that I cannot sit around waiting and that I should make the time that I have now purposeful so that when I look back, I will be happy with how I spent my single years. My attitude of purposeful singleness grew in my thirties. About four years ago I fasted for forty days and felt the Lord telling me to get myself in financial shape to be able to leave everything behind when the call to be a missionary came. I did that and two years later, I felt the call. Because I had prepared, I was able to go.  Now I am returning from two years of mission work - carrying a new mission in my heart.

A little over a year ago, a very special child arrived at the children's home where I was volunteering. He is the most special child I have ever met. Over the months I have developed a very special relationship with him. He is not hard to love, in fact, he teaches me everyday how to love. I find him to be a teacher of pure, raw love that isn't scared, wounded or selfish. He is filled with joy and hope every single day. I have dedicated a large portion of my time to being his advocate because he is a child with special needs. He uses canes to help him walk. After learning more about his family situation, I have decided that I would like to adopt him.

This decision was hard to come about because at first I didn't think I could take care of a special needs child. Then I was saddened by the thought that I would be a single parent. However, the more time I spent with this child, the more my confidence built and I suddenly found myself on the verge of tears thinking about what life would be like without him in it. I prayed for many months and sought out opinions of trusted friends and family members. I felt such encouragement and confirmation that there was no turning back. I claimed Isaiah 58:10 “If you spend yourself in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday.”

I want to spend myself satisfying the needs of this child. I feel that my investment could completely change his future to one of independence and that he would be able to live a life in which he can work and have his own family. I do not believe he would have such a future living in a developing country that does not have the same resources for special needs children.

An international adoption is very complicated, lengthy and expensive. There are agency, immigration, home study and translation costs involved that usually come to $20,000. Here is a list of agency program fees and other estimated costs:

1. Signed adoption agreement: $2,000
2. Dossier submission: $7,250
3. Referral: $3,750
4. Immigration: $1,200 (estimated)
5. Travel: $2,000 (estimated)
6. Medical: $400 (estimated)
7. Home Study: $1,500 (estimated)
8. Translations: $2,000-$3,000 (estimated)




I have served as a missionary for two years without a salary but God has provided for my every need and then some through faithful financial supporters. I have no doubt that He will provide for this situation that I am positive He has placed on my heart to pursue. My prayer is that God would be glorified through this adoption and that He will use it for His name in ways that are too awesome for me to fathom!

In Jesus name.


*PayPal is set up to accept donations for this adoption.  They deduct a small percentage to manage the money.  If you'd like to donate in another way, I am setting up a separate bank account for this purpose.  Once the agency has received a certain amount of money they will provide an account to which monies can be directly donated to them.  Thanks again for considering supporting this adoption. 

Inner Peace

My last week at Love & Hope Children's Home has been quite a whirlwind. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I experienced and the mad race to the finish. I said goodbyes to: my house and my neighbors, the staff and the office where my desk is empty, my church and church friends, friends of the ministry, Board members, fellow missionaries, and all the precious little ones living at the Home. So many of these goodbyes were filled with pupusas, cake, kind words, hugs and kisses. I drove away this morning with tears in my eyes because I can see more clearly than ever before how God fulfills his promises to give us abundantly more than we can ever imagine.

My little buddy Antonio loves to watch Kung Fu Panda. He doesn't understand the English but he always tells me “Yo soy el tigre!” (I'm the tiger!) and proceeds to make karate chop moves and noises throughout. The panda must learn about “inner peace” in the movie because it will allow him to overcome his flaws and be a better leader. Tonio has picked up these two words and repeats them often. From the actions in the movie he has been able to explain that “inner peace” is “cuando no le duele mas” (when you don't hurt anymore). What a smart fella!

I'm sitting on the plane right now filled with so many emotions as I leave a country that is still developing and a ministry that was once is a fragile state. I have “inner peace” after the two years I have spent pouring my heart into something I knew was a calling from God. It wasn't easy at all. In fact it stretched me in new levels I have never known. In the end, I am amazed – astonished – and overwhelmed by the incredible ways that God has sustained me, allowed me to be used and gave me abundantly more than I could have asked for. It seems like He has given me an “inner peace”, the only place it can come from!

The new me

For quite sometime I have been hearing this question, "What's going to happen when you leave?"  My plan has always been to organize the administrative roles to this home and then find the capable people to carry them on.  I have finally replaced my role and am ready to come home!

Yanira is the new Director of Operations and she has wonderfully and swiftly take on most of my responsibilities and more.  She is smart, calm, respectful and capable.  I really, really, really, REALLY like her!  Hiring and training her has given me a great feeling about all the work that I've done down here and now I get to pass the baton to someone else (more capable).  It's so relieving and refreshing! 

Looking back, so much has happened and I've learned a lot about myself:  good, bad and ugly.  I'd like to think that I will be forever changed for the good.  I also value the way God has created me just as I am and that He can use His creation in ways that benefit him.  I am amazed that He sustained me the way that He did, although certain times more difficult than others, but over all He has the power to cover our weaknesses with His strength and grace, that's something that is still hard for me to believe.

I have never experienced having a heart for children like I have had here.  I once heard someone say that they felt "Jesus' heart for others" overcome them.  It wasn't until this experience that I can admit to sharing those same feelings.  I feel so much love for these kids and it warms my heart to see the little sweet things they do and hear the little sweet things they say.  I find much joy participating in their lives and getting a front row seat to seeing their development.  I know that I will see children differently when I return, in my classroom, in my family and the ones I haven't met yet that God will place in my life. 

I am a teacher at heart and have a strong desire to return to the classroom and have the platform to teach every single day.  The best part of my administrative role here is being able to teach SOMEONE ELSE to do it!  I'm not quite sure how God will use this part of the experience in my future but He always promises to use things for good.  It has stretched me to learn new things outside of comfort zone, to be diligent with details and responsible for SOO much and to work in an environment that challenges me and goes against the grain of how I have lived my life for so long. 

I am ready to come home.  I feel very strongly that God has placed a certain child on my heart and my heart breaks as I think about being separated from him.  I met him a little over a year ago and ever since then I have been contemplating my role in his life.  I have gone through so many emotions and thoughts in this past year but finally have decided to try to adopt him.  I look forward to doing this when I come home.  There is a ton of work, waiting and expenses ahead of me but I have peace that this is the next step in my journey.  God bless!