A Beautiful Mess

Motherhood has made a mess of me...in a beautiful way.  I guess I have always been kind of a mess but there's no better way to show it off other than this.  I knew being a mom would be a good kind of hard but I had no idea how it would shape me into a completely new person - someone who has to rid themselves of pleasing anyone but God, being ok with many flaws/failures and accepting that God's grace is sufficient even when you feel like you can't do anything right!  :)

Antonio is the greatest gift!  He is such an affectionate, funny, playful, talented and brave human being.  I have laughed so much during these past seven weeks!  He is doing really well with all of the change.  He often says, "I am here with you forever" and gives me a big hug.  I'd say he's happy!   

We have spent most of our time balancing medical appointments, school and family fun.  Antonio was on a medical excuse from school since he arrived but started attending half days last Wednesday!  He attends Central School in the Brecksville-Broadview Heights District and absolutely LOVES it! I have been off of work on Family Medical Leave and will start to transition back as Antonio does.  He's excited to go so I think he will be attending full days in no time!

Medically speaking we have spent our time split between Akron Children's, the Clinic and Shriner's in Erie.  Unfortunately, when Antonio had his achilles tendons released in El Salvador, they overdid the job and doesn't have that support to hold him up straight.  Also his right hip is 40% out of joint and may face surgery if it deviates any further.  The positive side is that Antonio has been rid of all his prescriptions he used to take in El Salvador!  He will receive new braces, a new posterior walker to improve his posture and a self-propelling wheelchair for long distances!  We are really blessed by so many incredible resources here in the United States!   

Convincing Antonio of all the wonderful activities there are to do outside during the summer and fall months has been somewhat of a chore, however, he always ends up really enjoying them: baseball and football games, swimming, walking in the park, throwing rocks in the lake, feeding fish, picking apples, riding tractors, biking, etc.  Tonio's talent is singing so we make sure there is always time for that!  He has memorized many new songs from 95,5 The Fish.  His favorites are Speak Life by Toby Mac and Fix My Eyes by For King and Country.  He will soon start singing and guitar lessons along with swimming and horseback riding lessons.  He is going to have one full schedule!  

Preserving Antonio's cultural identity is very important to me.  He gets his hair cut at a latino barbershop and we eat out at a pupuseria (Salvadoran corn tortillas filled with beans, cheese and pork) once a week.  We also continue to speak Spanish together, knowing that he will learn English very quickly from all the kids around him.  In fact, in less than 2 months I have witnessed quite an improvement from when he first came here!  

As for my identity - well, it hasn't been very well preserved!  Haha!  But I'm working on that :).



I can't ever express how much gratitude I have for every single person who has helped make this adoption come to fruition.  From my family, friends, church, NRCS, missionaries in El Salvador and supporters that I have never met...I pray that God blesses you for having blessed Tonio and me!

Consent

The big day arrived.  I was so excited.  I had prepared for this for so long.  Tonio was excited too.  He has wondered about so many things and has counted down the days.  The only way this day could have a different outcome was if his biological mother did not show up to give CONSENT.  She had given it verbally and legally a handful of times so far.  She had been consistent so there was nothing to worry about, said our social worker.

However, I knew that so much was riding on her consent and that getting her there would not be that easy, not because she didn't want to but because of transportation, etc.  The Love and Hope team arranged to pick her up at a bus stop and take her to the courthouse for our 8:45am hearing.  I drove separately and as I walked to the courthouse I was talking out loud to myself, training my mind to think about all that God has done and will do to complete this work and to not focus on all the things that could go wrong.  I was nervous but I had to channel it.  After 8:45 rolled around, I got word that his mother was going to be late.  They interviewed Tonio first and then the judge said she could move on with her other cases and maybe make room for her later.  Whew.  Ok.  Well, she never showed at the bus stop.  She didn't answer her phone for a long time either.  We found out she had forgotten her phone, went back to get it and then decided to stop at the bank to pay some bills.  Really?!!??  So, the team went out to get her at the bank but couldn't find her anywhere.  I sat at the courthouse sick to my stomach.  Was she dodging this?  Was she saying one thing and intentionally not doing it?  What was going on?  What will happen if she doesn't come today?  What will happen if she doesn't sign ever?  Does she really understand what's at stake here?  I couldn't go there in my head but I couldn't help it either.  I had brought my journal so that I could write truth statements and keep my mind on track.  It was so hard though, every minute seemed like an hour and every hour seemed like an eternity.  I started to doubt that this would happen today and I was so fearful.  I sang hymns in my head and kept whispering "Jesus".  Tonio even heard me and repeated it a few times.  The Love and Hope team kept calling her, kept looking for her and waiting.  At about 10:30am(2.5 hours after the arranged meeting time) we got word that they found her, she was in the vehicle and on the way.  Ahhh....relief.  After 3 hours - at 11am she walked through the courthouse doors and we all breathed a little easier.   She explained it was a complicated morning trying to get there but I didn't care really to hear her reasons, I was concerned if she was still going to sign.  My lawyer went on to inform the court she was there and the judge said that she needed a lawyer too so another scramble of trying to make things happen took place.  Finally the judge appointed her one that was already there and they were able to squeeze us in around noon.  The whole process probably lasted less than 10 minutes because they were trying to fit us in.  Consent took less than 30 seconds and then she was asked to leave.  The judge, very serious yet kind, said "he is now your son" and "we normally wouldn't have scheduled this at this time or made this exception but because you were in the country and we know that you are leaving in August we will not delay, what normally takes days to produce the final written decree - you will have tomorrow"

While waiting to sign the papers, I stood in awe of what God had just done.

• we missed our hearing time because the mother didn't show up on time
• the judge made an exception to hear the case when she arrived
• the judge made an exception to appoint her an attorney
• the judge made an exception to hear a case in 10 minutes 
• the judge made an exception to get the papers signed in 20 minutes in the hallway
• the judge made an exception to produce the decree for the following day

He was in control and completed His work seemingly against all odds.   He has big plans for Tonio and I'm just along for the ride.  After his biological mother signed her consent, I told her "What you did today was the best thing you could have done for your son.  God loves him so much that He put it on my heart to take care of him.  He loves you that much too.  I will always remember your story.  I will not forget the troubles you have faced and how courageous you were today.  I care for you and your family very much.  I respect you for what you have done.  You have allowed an incredible blessing to happen for your son's life".

When I think about just how much was riding on this woman's parental consent, and how in so many ways this hearing could have been thwarted, I think "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?"  And He had given His divine CONSENT along time ago...

My faith has been stretched through every step of this process.  So many times I said, "I can't take much more" "I feel like I will die if this doesn't go through" "My heart just yearns and I feel out of control".  In those places I do not like to be but it is the only place where He can be seen for real and can carry me beyond what I can bear.  

When his mother told me that their grandma is failing, his older sister can't leave the house because she's in a wheel chair and no one can carry her down the steps to get out of the house, and the oldest son doesn't want to study anymore because at 16 years old he joined the gang - I really felt the weight of how God has saved Tonio and given him new life.  

Telling Tonio

The amazement of what just happened last week is still settling in my mind and heart.  All of my prayers seemed to be answered in one split second.  I had prayed for at least a meeting with the judge in order to plead for a court date.  Done.  I prayed that the judge would approve this adoption so that it could go to a hearing.  Done.  I prayed for the adoption to be completed this summer.  Done.  And last Monday I cried out to God that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him one more time.  Done. Wow.  I am so grateful for God's favor.  I am in awe of how He worked out every last little detail to my benefit, especially when it looked impossible, but most importantly, he stretched my faith in a deeper way.  I look back and think "I could've had more.  I should've never doubted or been frustrated.  I will be even better next time".

TELLING TONIO
Tonio grinned from ear to ear as he sat and listened to me tell him what is to come.  "Since I met you I had a desire to love and care for you.  When I moved back to the States I worked hard to make you my son and bring you home with me.  I was so sad to say goodbye to you every time I visited.  But this time, this time it's for real, this time you get to come home with me and live with me as my son, in my home, in the United States".   He beamed, not knowing what to say, quietly processing, but beaming.  When asked his thoughts about it, he nodded his head and said "yes", he wanted this.

Tonio has never been shy about his desire to live with me and go to the United States with me.  The hardest thing for me during this entire process was keep that from him until I received a concrete date of when it would happen.  His dream and desire came true at last.  Immediately Tonio took on possession of my family calling them "my grandparents, my nieces and nephews, my house, and our cat".  (I had to explain that my nieces and nephews are his cousins, he still doesn't get it, but there's plenty of time for that!)   Every morning the first words out of his mouth are "I'm going to the United States!  Woo hoo!".  He's asked some really cute questions such as, "What uniform should I take to go to school there?" (all Latin American schools were uniforms so it will be a change for him to wear regular clothes to school).  After singing the lyrics to "Happy", he suddenly wanted to know what music they have in the states.  I laughed and said "exactly what you're singing".  Tonio has had a fascination for planes ever since he realized that's how one travels to the United States.  He is soooo excited about the opportunity to ride in one.  He asked how many "minutes" will he be in it and if we can sleep once we get going.  This plane ride is going to be precious.  It will be in those hours that he will move forward to the unknown but his childlike faith and ability to transition well to anything with a positive, joyful attitude will be something he will teach all of us.

I have seen so much growth in this little man - from his academic achievements (reading, writing, English, etc.) to growing stronger physically and especially the way he is so teachable and desires to learn, work hard and enjoy life.  This kid is ready for what is to come.  I have no doubt that he will thrive in his new surroundings and that he will melt every single heart that meets him.

I speak as if it has already been completed.  The truth is that him and I still have to be observed by a social worker and psychologist from the court on July 10th for 30 minutes.  And there still is a hearing.  His biological mother still has to show up to give her parental consent one last time.  I agree with my uncle Jon who commented that he would continue to pray until we are on American soil.  I ask that you all would do that as well - pray against any obstacles that could prevent these last few protocols.  I know that God will complete this very good work that He inspired in me.  I praise Him for what he has done, is doing and will do on July 14th.

Tonio's homework assignment for Mother's Day was to describe his mother.  He described me.  He didn't know it then that it would happen for real!

Persistence 2

I went to the court today and asked to speak to the judge.  I know this is not common protocol but I had to do something if not for anybody else but me.  She is busy with hearings every morning but in the afternoon may have some time if my lawyer calls and makes an appointment.  He's going to do that today.  The hold up is that the judge didn't think my case was in the right court but we're waiting for her to review the paperwork again and approve it.  She is returning from being out for a month and this particular court is "saturated" (they keep telling me) so I just don't think a resolution is coming anytime soon.  I'm going to be persistent and do everything that I know to do but I also see the reality of a very HARD system.

Please pray that the judge will receive my request to schedule an appointment with my lawyer and me.  And pray that I will not lose heart.

Persistence

The end is near.  I don't know when though.  I've been waiting for a judge to review my adoption case and set a date to have an official adoption hearing...for the last four months.  In June, the judge assigned to my case was called out on another assignment and will not return until June 23rd.  How perfect!  I will arriving on the 21st and plan to visit her.  Through my wide range of emotions - I have resolved to be persistent and faithful - here's why:  

Luke 18: 1-8
And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’”

I had to laugh a little at that one.  It's a great story of persistence.  Here's more:

Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

Luke 11: 5-10
And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

After reading and listening to others talk about these verses, I am encouraged and strengthened.  I also admit that I have felt disappointed, powerless, frustrated and fearful with this process.  I have felt my heart break over and over after each delay and it has tested my faith time and time again.  A lot of people have said, "You are trying to do a good thing so why is it so hard to make it happen?"  I have felt that way too.  I think many truly 'good' things are hard things.  And the reaping may not come immediately.  Still we must persevere in faith.    

Prayer requests:
1.  that the judge would see me on Monday, hear my story, have a heart of compassion for Tonio and schedule a court date in July.
2.  that I would be able to tell Tonio about what is to come - sooner than later.
3.  for a miracle of timing - that I would be able to bring him home with me in August.
4.  for another miracle of not having to miss work for a long period of time and have to go unpaid.  
5.  for wisdom in my pursuit of persistence.
6.  for strength to endure whatever God asks me (and Tonio) to endure.  

Praise:
1.  Tonio's heart is so loving and I really feel that God has prepared him and me especially for one another.
2.  because God will complete the work he started and that He is putting a child together in a family forever.
3.  because God has compelled so many people to give financially and it has allowed his needs to be satisfied.

Below is a sneak peek of the almost finished product.  Thanks to the non-profit Color Your Corner and interior designer Chris Roblin - Tonio will have fresh new room!

The Best is Yet to Come

March 1st marked a reality for me.  It's March.  I thought maybe I would have a court date by March and I don't.  Ugh.  Sigh.  Wait!  I have spring break in 3 weeks (March 21st).  I definitely should consider a visit since I don't have a court date in sight.  Let's see what the prices are for flights.  Really?  Under $600?  I just have to spend the night in the airport both ways?  Ugh.  Oh well.  SIGN ME UP!!!!!!!!

Growing in excitement for Saturday's reunion, Tonio and I entered into our webcam relationship last night so he could remind me of his request for spicy nachos from the US, an Incredibles DVD and to bring my Ipad. He just had to share how he made plans to pick me up at the airport and make another welcome sign (Kirsten says it's the only time he gets motivated to color, haha.)  He recalled our other visits and special times together and asked if we could go to the movies and have a sleepover.  Kid, if I could just TELL you what is to come... 

We talked for about an hour and after numerous books were read, exciting plans for my visit were discussed and repeated tours around my house to show him my TV, my cat, and the whole routine were made - the battery on his device ended and we were cut off just like that.  Skype with Tonio is always bittersweet.  My heart was filled and overflowing because he was in an excited and talkative mood, but then there's the end. Although I'm SOOOO grateful for videoconferencing technology, it just reminds me that the best is yet to come.   One day he will make my home his, not just take a virtual tour.

Broadening my view, I see how my separated relationship and anticipated reunion mirrors the relationship I have with God.  I imagine him saying those same words to me, "Kid, if you could only see what is to come..."  The promise of heaven with a perfect Father and a sovereign God is something to revere, a promise to grasp onto and an image to look forward to as I wade through life's struggles and hardships.  I know one day that the best is yet to come, He will make his home mine.

How will I wait?

Waiting is hard and disappointing.  Waiting seems unfair.  Waiting makes me anxious.  Waiting tempts me to take things into my own hands.  And waiting has made me angry and confused at God, I admit.  

I love all that October brings, it is my most favorite time of the year, but this year it brought news that ruined my hopes of having Antonio home for the holidays.  I spiraled downward and fumbled through some hard thoughts, "Why do I pray?"  "Why would God make us wait even longer?" "Why is putting the lonely in families so hard?" "Why must God allow my heart to hurt so much?".  I felt challenged to believe in His goodness.  I felt bitter, angry, and not sure what to do with my emotions or how to pray anymore.  

So here is the challenge:  HOW does one wait, especially after disappointment?  Friends and family have encouraged me to get my house and his room ready, which has helped tremendously and has cheered me up.  Remembering the call (from Isaiah 58:10 "to satisfy the needs of the oppressed") that inspired me to put adoption into action has allowed me believe that He will see it to the end and to trust Him beyond understanding while I wait.  And finally, a chapter titled "Waiting Well" (Carried Home Safely) redirected my questions about prayer into solid answers.  One Biblical parable is that of maids waiting for a bridegroom.  Some waited poorly - running out of oil for their lamps and missing out on the opportunity when it came, and others waited well - having extra oil so that they would not miss out.  Alarmed of the dangers of waiting poorly, "keeping watch, not knowing the day or hour..." and to worship the Lord and practice faith (believing what I do not see) while I wait is a more appealing mindset.  Changing my mindset is a lot easier when reminded of the consequences of those who failed.  Lord, I want to do it right and wait well.  Thank you for showing me how!

Struggling with not knowing the day or the hour prompted me to visit Antonio over Thanksgiving.  It was a surprise 9 day trip purposing to make more deposits into our relationship and fulfilling a promise that I would again visit in December.  My spirit was renewed.  His laughter and sheer nature of playfulness seems to ease my soul.  The uncertainty and longevity behind waiting is painful and disappointing but as I have been challenged, I can wait well or wait poorly.  I must keep watch - preparing for the moment that could come at any time and keeping my light bright at all times.